Seriously, get it together! This statement seems to be repeated over and over in my mind as I meander my way from week to week, day to day, or even hour to hour. I feel so disorganized. I feel like I am winging it...winging my life these days. Who am I? Where am I? What do I do? Where do I go?
I can't really explain what is going on with me. It's just that most days I feel weird...like I don't identify with myself anymore. It's like I am searching for my former self, but she is nowhere to be found. Who was I anyways? Who am I now? Why can't I just feel settled and happy with where I am at today? Why do I feel the need to be defined?
I know, I know...it's getting deep! But it really isn't so bad! I guess it is just that ol' internal struggle when changes come about in life. I guess I've been through a lot of changes and transitions in the past few months, and I am trying to sort it all out. How do the changes affect my being and my identity? How do I let go of the past and embrace the present and future?
I am coming to terms with losing some of the comforts of my former life and creating new comforts in my present life. I guess it's just that I want and like to be in control, and lately, a lot of things have been beyond my control. And whenever change occurs, it is easy to feel like all control is gone. And as much as I try to go with the flow, some days it is hard.
I, mean, really all the things that have changed have been good. I have a son and I'm a mother now. I got a new job. I seriously can't complain about those things. But any change, even good change, shakes things up a bit. It means operating in a different manner. It means reorganizing how I do things. It means shifting my focus and recreating part of my identity. And some of these are a lot easier said than done.
But I am working on it. I am working on getting myself together. I am working on adjusting to the changes. And I am sure, in the end, I will be happier than I was previously.
Maybe later I will share some of my difficulties with all this change. I've been in a funk. I've avoided blogging and doing other things I enjoy. But I am working myself out of it. I am telling myself, "Get it together, girl." And that is what I am doing...one bit at a time.