Bathroom Break

WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!

What you are about to read is very immature and gross. If you don't like immaturity, grossness and bodily functions, then I caution you not to proceed. Don't say that I didn't warn you!

I had the unfortunate experience of walking into the ladies' room at work this past week only to hear what I would dub "an explosion of the asshole" taking place in one of the stalls. Uh! Oh! I bet that person was none too pleased to hear the bathroom door open and someone enter the stall right next to her. I am sure that person thought maybe she was in the safety zone being the only one in the bathroom, but a pregnant girl has got to pee...a lot! There was no way I could turn around and leave the bathroom because when you're pregnant and you have to pee, every trip to the bathroom is a near emergency. So I entered the stall (there are only 2 stalls) right next to the one where all sorts of funky sounds were taking place. I truly thought I could handle myself. I, mean, I am 31-years old, about to be responsible for someone's life, and I've been around enough to hear a good fart. But as I sat there taking care of my own business, I started to giggle. The noises that were taking place in the next stall were unbelievable. I thought maybe the drama of the ass would stop...at least temporarily...for the duration of my trip in the bathroom...but it just went on and on and on. And the more I heard, the harder it became for me to control my own reaction. That person must've been having some really bad stomach issues to just let it keep on flying with someone else in the bathroom. I peed as hard and fast as I could. I washed my hands as quickly as I could. All the while the firecrackers were still exploding, and I was using every bit of energy I had to get out of the bathroom without busting out into an uncontrollable laughter. 

I did make it out. I ran down the hallway to a co-worker's office. At that point, I was laughing so hard that I was crying. I had to tell someone. My co-worker found it pretty funny. Or maybe she was just laughing at me for being so immature. I, mean, really? I really found someone taking a shit so funny that I was laughing until the point of tears. What's wrong with me? Am I 12-years-old? Have I not matured to the point where I can tolerate and ignore someone accidentally farting in front of me? I guess the answer would be NO! 

The bottom line is that we all fart and take shits, and we've all been in situations where we have to let a little air fly...sometimes to the misfortune of others around us. Bodily functions of the farting and pooping kind are universal. We've all had a bad experience with them at some point in our lives. And we've all been in desperate situations where the bubble guts swiftly took over, and in those moments, you do what you've gotta do...no matter where you're at or who's around. And maybe that is where I find/found the humor in this situation. That person in the bathroom with the exploding ass very well could have been me. 

Having had this most recent excursion into the bathroom where bombs where being dropped by the truckload, I was reminded of an email I got several years ago about taking a poop at work. I remembered it being hilarious and all too relatable. I decided to see if I could find it, and of course, google came through for me. I thought I would share the guidelines for taking a shit at work...just in case you are ever in the same situation as the person I encountered last week.

Guide for Taking a Dump at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE

Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee)

Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER

Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)

Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN

Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON

Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED

Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY

Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

CRACK WHORE

Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.